Thursday, May 19, 2005

 
(dear diary: hers vs. his)

i love this. it's so true i wanna throw up.

HER DIARY: Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep and I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY: Today the Cowboys lost, but at least I got laid.
posted by the 'naut 10:51 AM

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

 
(in reference to...)

i have often said, and still say, that i have no regrets. but it’s not b.c i think i haven’t made any mistakes or that i’m perfect. it’s b.c i don’t regret making the mistakes i've made. and trust me, i’ve made plenty of mistakes, but if i hadn’t of made them then i wouldn’t have learned all the lessons that i have. i think i’m pretty wise and knowledgable, but only b.c i’ve done a lot, messed up a lot, and had to correct a lot. i could say that i regret moving back home since it didn’t work out with evil boy, but i don’t. i believe that i made the best choice for me at the time and that there is a reason i came home. there’s lots of things that i could ‘regret’, but why? regret is a negative thing. and i don’t want it to eat me like i've seen it eat away at others. point is—i’m not perfect, it’s just a state of mind. a belief that there is no point in regretting. we do things for a reason and if they don’t work out…well, we go on.
posted by the 'naut 4:11 PM

Saturday, March 26, 2005

 
(saturday woes and celebrations)

i had a fight with a friend today. a pretty big one with a supposedly good friend. i hate fighting. a lot. especially with people i love and care about. but i guess sometimes, it just can't be helped. see, a couple of months back i decided that i was going to let my emotions and warm fuzzy feelings about said friend take over. so i could see what would happen, where things would go. ah, what the hell. my friend did not stop me, did not say that it was too soon or that that wasn't what he wanted. but he didn't say that that was what he wanted either. guys, go figure. so we went out, messed around, did what daters do. but sometime after valentine's day i made another decision...that i couldn't do the hot/cold thing. i didn't want to be the 'convenience' girlfriend. which i think is fair. so i made him choose a path. friends or more than friends. it was a very hard thing for me to do, but i could no longer sit around and hope that he would choose me... eventually. and when he chose to only be cold, to just be friends, i was hurt, disappointed, but in the end, glad that a decision was made.

then, as the weeks went on, he made no contact. no phone calls, no emails, no hanging out. in fact, it almost seemed as if he was avoiding me. i tried to initiate conversations, but i was cut off with short, quick answers and excuses of being too busy or tired. i had given up. he didn't want to be my friend. he had only chosen that path b/c there was no other option. i was letting go, moving on. occasionally my friends would tell me of something bad or untrue that he had said--but i would let it go b/c there was no point in getting back into it all. until this morning. i checked my messages, 2:40am, he must have been drinking. he accused me of being angry with him b/c he wouldn't sleep with me. he told me that his friend, in from out of town, wanted to know if i would sleep with him. he told me to call him back and he'd give me out-of-towner's number. i was furious.

the fight was over the phone. about 20 minutes. what was said is pretty much pointless. he thinks he was right, i think he was wrong. i don't know what to believe. i don't think i can trust him anymore. i might never speak to him again. maybe after tax season when he 'has the time' to deal with our issues. i wanted to say "screw you buddy, don't waste your precious time", but i didn't. instead i made a snide remark and hung up without saying goodbye.

my other friend has been up since 7am getting primped for a wedding. i've called her three times to rant and rave. she was probably looking at the other bridesmaids with a face of exasperation. it's gray outside. it's been raining since last night. what an awful day for a wedding. and a perfect day for a fight.

ps. happy birthday ash.
posted by the 'naut 5:33 PM

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

 
(fo-ever)

well, it’s been awhile, and i have to apologize for my lack of writing. but i’m not really going to apologize b/c i’ve been busy. and i haven’t had much to write about. though i know that’s the whole point of a blog. writing about nothing. anyway, to catch you up:

- i moved to dallas. home. it’s nice.
- i got a new job. another hotel. s’okay.
- i got a newish car. an acura. she’s pretty.
- i eat way too little sushi. it sucks.
- most of my friends are from highschool. they’re all married.

that’s pretty much it. nothing too special. i’ve been trying to plan a trip to costa rica to visit my brother, but it looks like he’s going home soon, so there’s not that.

i’ll try to write more. swear.
posted by the 'naut 9:45 AM

Friday, August 06, 2004

 
(countdown)

11 days of work
25 days until departure

posted by the 'naut 1:37 PM

 
(i hate people)

so there's a huge dent in my car. a new dent. a brand freakin' new dent. because apparently somebody thought it would be fun to side swipe me, or possibly ram into me, as they left the red lion last night. i experienced a plethora of emotions upon seeing the gash. that which included but are not limited to: anger (what the hell?) regret (i should know better than to park in a bar parking lot) frustration (argh) stupidity (is that an emotion?) and sadness (poor little blue). and you know it's bad when you can see the damage in the dark. i'd rather have discovered it this morning--then it would have been more like "oh, that sucks. but at least you can't see it in the dark. ce'st la vie."

needless to say, i'm very upset. and the only thing that comforts me in the least is the thought that whatever hit me (they don't deserve to be a whoever) has it coming. hit and run. that's just like bad karma waiting to happen. oh yes, one day my friend (and by friend i mean enemy) you will get yours.

this morning my mom asked me how bad it was. "is it the kind of dent that they can suck out? like with a vaccuum?" uh....mom....let me clarify what a vaccuum is....

also, props to ken for the comment of "well at least you weren't standing it that exact spot when it happened." ah yes, there always is a brighter side.

posted by the 'naut 1:05 PM

Thursday, August 05, 2004

 
(and...)

kettle corn is the BEST!

posted by the 'naut 1:46 PM

 
(blame canada!)

i am going to vancouver this weekend. i am excited about this for multiple reasons:

1) i get to see my bro who will be finished with school and ready to devote my 4 day trip to me.
2) i hear nothing but goodness of vancouver.
3) i do not have to work monday or tuesday.
4) i finally get to meet some canadians.

posted by the 'naut 1:37 PM

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

 
(so here's my question...)

if somebody makes you feel a certain way, good or bad, do you tell them? do you tell them even though there might be a risk of rejection? or a chance you might hurt their feelings? or the possibility of making them super mad at you? or resentful toward you? do you take that risk so that it's all on the table? so that they can see how what they say or do makes you feel? and how that might make others feel? do you tell them because honesty is the best policy? or do you not tell them and drive yourself insane thinking about telling them?

posted by the 'naut 5:19 PM

 
(recovery)

so after a long week of actually doing stuff i'm ready to go back to my old lady ways. i got home from work yesterday, changed into my t-shirt and shorts with every intention to take a jog. that intention didn't last too long. next thing i knew it was 8pm. time for dinner. after dinner i came to the conclusion that it was time for bed. so either i'm extremely lazy or i have mono.

i did start a new book though...the lovely bones. it's gonna be good.

posted by the 'naut 4:55 PM